Thursday, February 16, 2012

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I Give "Pong Beer" Two, Maybe 3 Weeks Tops

First off, are the kids still playing beer pong anymore? I'm pretty sure all the college kids are injecting heroin and taking vodka funnels through the rectum, so beer pong may be strictly for nerds at this point.

I'm not going to bore you with old war stories about how good I was (I was awesome) and how long I dominated tables, but I'll break it down quick. Beer pong was effective for one thing and one thing only: pregame. If you're at a house party playing in the back corner with your buddies while everyone is having a good time, you look like an anti-social asshole. In the event you're pregaming, any beer in the fridge will do. There's literally zero need for a beer "specifically engineered" for the purposes of beer pong. What does that mean anyway? It's like .001% alcohol?

Any seasoned sanitary veteran of the game knew that you should fill the cups with water and drink from a full solo cup to the side. I don't care what any of you say, there was no greater absurdity in college than the fucking "water cup." "Oh, but the water is warm" was straight up the only excuse people had for it. Like the 67 degree water is going to kill that crawling lint catastrophe at the bottom of the cup. Get out of here with that bullshit. I'm not trying to go to the infirmary with a case of maleria because I essentially drank sticky ping-pong ball lint water.

I take back everything that I said, if this beer is dirty ass cheap. I'm talking real grimy, gutter cheap like $6.99 for a 30. College me would have gotten his swerve on with a $0.23 beer any day of the week strictly out of principle.

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