Thursday, August 30, 2012

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What's The Difference Between A Bed, A Mattress, And A Bed Frame? What The Fuck Is Thread Count?: MOVE IN DAY 2012

It's defcom five. I'm looking for answers to questions I don't know how to ask. I'm lazy to the point that it's almost a disability. And my moral is so low, virtually anyone can make me cry right now. Let's talk move-in day:

Bed vs. Mattress vs. Frame: Probably the biggest conundrum to ever face human civilization. Told people I was buying a bed, they asked what size mattress I was getting. I said I was buying a frame, they ask "what kind of bed do you have?" Am I the only one that comes out thoroughly confused? Pretty sure I just spent one million dollars on a couple 4x4s and a screwdriver.

We talkin' 'bout thread count?!: No lie, I spent 36 minutes the other day just looking at sheets. Staring at them. Trying to figure out what makes them tick. And then I came across thread count and fell into a black hole of some of the least manly terminology possible: "Stitching" "Woven" "Sateen." Yikes. Felt like I was in the Matrix being surrounded by a bunch of numbers and words I didn't understand. The Egyptians better know what the fuck their doing.

What's the point of a nightstand?: I hear the word "aesthetics" getting thrown around far too often when people don't have a real answer for things. The only function a nightstand will serve is holding the remote, but even then losing it in the sheets isn't that bad. Nightstands are pompous as hell. Bought one yesterday. Church.

Time to take down the quilt curtain: No I don't own some sort of quilt-curtain baller hybrid. I just use a quilt as my curtain because my current curtain does a miserable job blocking out the sun. Actually, it's as far from baller that you can get. I googled "how to buy a curtain" and I feel like the internet laughed at me.

So as you can see moving is a super-stressful process, based on my lack of complete sentences. Pay movers. Hire maids. WMD needs to start pulling it's weight.

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  1. Vanessa said... September 11, 2012 at 11:26 PM

    "Nightstands are pompous as hell. Bought one yesterday. Church."

    Win, I adore you.

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