Monday, September 12, 2011

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The Itis

This goes out to all of those confused office workers that wonder why their production drops substantially between 1:30 and 2:30 P.M. And this especially goes out to the person that decided to be ambitious and get the large sub instead of playing it safe with a regular.

It was the 4th grade when it started to happen to me. One day after lunch, I just didn't have it in me to "do" recess. You ask, "How can a 9 year old, otherwise active kid not do recess?" Because it was obviously chicken patty day and you don't just get ONE sandwich on chicken patty day. Kids were wondering if I lost a step in tag and if I just wasn't fun anymore, but I soon realized that whenever I ate I became impossibly sleepy and an overall liability on the asphalt. The term wasn't laid out to me for years, but it was basically defined as "black-people"-itis, give or take a racial slur or two. As years went on, I thought it was an exclusive con of the melanin, like Sickle Cell Anemia and Can't Catch A Cab..emia, but I slowly started seeing more and more my fairer skinned brethren complaining about being unreasonably tired after especially hefty meals. To this day, I still receive random messages like, "Yo man, had some BBQ for lunch's a wrap" and "Ate Indian. Honestly might leave work early." For that, it has officially become just the "Itis"--it's a national affliction that affects anyone regardless of race, class, or gender.

Bathroom naps. They solve just about all itis-related issues. Your first thought is coffee, but for some reason the itis is immune. It has AIDS-like potency and your only hope is a 10-15 minute nap. 1) Find a stall, preferably handicapped 2) Look for a good lean spot, if one is unavailable put your elbow on your knee and place your head in your hand 3) Do anything you can to prevent snoring because this could be a disaster for reasons I need not explain 4) Set a phone alarm depending on the meal you ate 5) Have a job where they don't notice if you leave for 20 minutes on end.

Don't judge me.