Wednesday, September 14, 2011

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Why Haven't We Made Advancements In The Staple-Remover Industry?



I challenge you to name me a more unreasonably dangerous item in the office. I'm so intimidated by staple removers, it's stupid.

I've been treading this topic very lightly the past few weeks via Twitter (@WMsDiary) and was looking for answers to the tough questions. Naturally, none came. Basically, I'm extending an olive branch and trying to find if there are better options. Maybe a safer, more plastic alternative that leaves me with no doubt that my jugular won't be severed when I'm unstapling a document.

Today things came to a head. Normally I make extensive efforts to avoid using these office monsters and use either my fingers or a strategically morphed paper clip. Both options take a stupidly long time, but in the end I'm left with more blood in my arteries. That said, my manager came over to me and started to small talk my face off. Hit me with an unexpected "Good morning, how's your day?" out the corner of my cube. Enter nightmare scenario. She spotted a document that shouldn't have been stapled that she was in need of and asked me to unstaple it and give it to her. I wanted to tell her that I'd get it to her later, but there was no time. Fight or flight kicked in. My palms were sweating on some B. Rabbit shit and I knew I had to remove that staple the "correct" way at risk of getting straight fired for being a lunatic. Then I said, and I shit you not, "But how is YOUR day going?" It was either the smartest or craziest thing I've ever done. We were both flabbergasted. Like two people that shot a gun at each other and realized there were no bullets in either. Then she told me she was planning on going to the Cape and literally walked away. Honestly, I still don't know what happened.

They fucking made Avatar! If we can make the movie Avatar, there is no reason that we can't make safer staple removers. If you can make 4D blue creatures that I'm very attracted to, you can definitely make a staple remover without four razor sharp teeth and flimsy holders. Dammit.

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  1. Anonymous said... September 14, 2011 at 11:13 PM

    stapled my finger the other day. those are more dangerous

  2. Anonymous said... September 15, 2011 at 9:16 AM

    i just gave my staple remover a real evil look

  3. Anonymous said... September 15, 2011 at 12:21 PM

    what's good with those big tape dispensers though?

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