Friday, January 6, 2012

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Facebook Friday...#5?

Honestly, I have no idea how many FB Fridays I've done. That can't be good. Anyways, here we go:

1) Kay Jewelers Commercials
Life isn’t gumdrops, fairy tales, and Open-Heart necklaces by Jane Seymour. It’s a grind out here ladies. Every 30 seconds it’s either your birthday, Christmas, I cheated, or Valentine’s Day and I have to spend 1 month’s salary on an expensive piece of jewelry you’re probably not even going to like that much because you want me to get you “gifts from the heart.” I agree with the ridiculous practice of engagement/wedding (is there a difference?) rings, but I’m not about to let savvy TV advertising back me into financial burden icing you out like Lil Jon and the Eastside Boyz. Thanks JD-sorry for forgetting you.

2) Botched Marriage Proposal Video

This video reeks something serious of being fake, but for the sake of this write-up I have to say that this is exactly how I see my proposal going. I’m just so off-tune with what women are thinking that I may be dumb enough to take my future ex-girlfriend to a Jets game (fully knowing she hates the Jets, football and Jumbotrons) and propose on the Jumbotron in 2054. Can’t knock this guy’s hustle for one second. Thanks HS.

3) Justin Timberlake Engaged To Jessica Biel
Fellas, we lost an angel today. A true beautiful soul that kept us on the edge of our toes always wondering what the next move was. Anyone who thinks I’m talking about Jessica Biel is crazy because the male population lost one of the last true cocksmen this week. Gone are the days that I will see intros to “Extra” and “Access Hollywood” telling me that JTimbs went on a quadruple date with Sloane from Entourage, Halle Berry, and Adriana Lima. Not it’s time for lame US Weekly articles telling me that Justin and Jessica named their kid “Trashcan” or something celebrity stupid like that. Biel is a dime, but 7th Heaven was F-grade gremlin juice. Thanks JT.

4) Opinions on Vodka Ice-Cream
There is a 100% chance I gag when I take a shot of vodka. Call me a bitch, but my esophagus just ain’t down for that action. Ice cream really isn’t my bag either. I’m not gagging, but I’m not enjoying myself either. Plus people make fun of me because I only like Vanilla flavor and that leaves me open to TONS of “Vanilla Personality” jokes that I’m not prepared to defend. Ipso facto, this is a just a terrible fucking combination. BONUS QUESTION: “What hockey team do you like more: Bruins or Rangers?” Haven’t watched a hockey game ONCE in my life, true story. Call it stereotypical if you want. If I had to pick on a whim, I’d go Rangers because I’m a born-again NY sports fan. Thanks CG.

5) Dude Builds His “Fairy-Tale” Home for $4700

It goes without saying, that this has got to be the worst, most piece of shit house ever assembled. Must be dilapidated to all hell with rats and termites running the show from all corners. One of those places where “Yo Mama” jokes thrive. Like, “Yo mama so poor, she ring the door bell and her toilet flush” type shit actually ends up being depressingly true. I legit may have to go to the bathroom, wash my hands, leave the house, and ring the door bell to complete the operation. Sounds fun on paper, but it’s definitely not a good look in the winter. Thanks Tino.

6) Guy Gets Hit By Train, Gets His Body Severed, Severed Body Slams Some Unattentive Bitch In The Face and She Proceeds To Sue His Estate
This is just another cut and dry case of “watch where your body goes after it gets obliterated by a train and gets sent 100 feet in the air.” Saw that shit today. Dude got hit, made sure to have the dead person wherewithal to angle his body to avoid hitting bystanders. Now he’s able to have a standard closed-casket funeral with no financial complications. (Seriously, I didn’t even want to post this because there’s not many situations where you can put a funny spin on train-splattering gore, but I think I nailed it). Thanks Tino, you morbid fuck.

Thanks everyone!

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  1. Anonymous said... January 6, 2012 at 4:41 PM

    that last one had me laughing in my seat dude

  2. Anonymous said... January 6, 2012 at 6:11 PM

    I like the last nickname for Tino, hahaha

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