Thursday, January 12, 2012

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I Respect The Hell Out Of This Bootleg Cell Phone For Claiming It Has 15-Year Battery Life

Before I dive into this ridiculous battery-life claim, I want to talk about the equally absurd makeup of this phone.

1) It's not even a flip phone: At this stage in the game, you've either got to be a flip phone or a Smartphone to compete in today's cell phone market. Not SpareOne. They scoffed at such nonsensical terms like, "market share", "advancement" and "it's 2012" and kept it real as hell.

2) What's good with that blue alien button?: That's an alien right? I've seen my fair share of Sigourney Weaver "Alien" movies and that looks like a dead ringer. I'm not saying SpareOne needed this button, but the ability to call up Mars when you need someone to talk to is unparalleled.

3) The outer layer of the phone is called "PowerSkin": I've seen bootleg phones before, but none of them have had the brass to come out and call the outer layer of their phone something as off-the-wall as the PowerSkin. Straight out of a 1995 Saturday morning cartoons commercial. If I had a guess, I'd say that obstruction poking out of the top part of the phone was some sort of game changer, but again, that's just a guess.

Now onto the 15-year battery life. You're telling me this phone can outlive most dogs and cats with a single charge? Hell, if you're making that claim, the alien button makes a helluva lot more sense. My phone dies if I walk too fast, let alone make a few calls so my ears certainly perked up when I heard this claim. But 15 years is too much. Too unrealistic. It's like that dude who's doing push-ups at the gym when a girl by and he counts aloud, "9001, 9002." That's stupid. If he said something like, "76, 77, 78" maybe that girl would be a little more inclined to give him a shot.

If one of my readers is stupid enough to own this phone, can you PLEASE let me know what the alien button does?

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