Friday, January 20, 2012

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No Matter How You Cut It, Eating 1000 Peanuts In A 4-Day Work Week Is Not A Good Look

Boy oh, boy would George Washington Carver be proud. All of his very strange hard work establishing peanuts in the grand scheme of things to eat is finally paying off. For some reason, your boy Dub Jeezy loves peanuts. After throwing away my second container of Planters, I did some introspection and according to serving size information, I fucking ate at least 1000 peanuts this week. What?

You know those times when you drift off into a daydream and kind of blackout for a bit? When that happens to me, I come to and my hands are covered in salt and peanut remnants. On any bit of down time I have, I'm eating peanuts. Crushing them. Not even sure if I actually like them, but that shit has molded it's way into becoming muscle memory.

Sure, the "scientists" may say peanuts are healthy and this is a good thing, but 1000 of anything isn't good. If I enjoyed any of my other treats like I enjoyed peanuts, I'd be dead as hell. 1000 gummy bears/worms: type 2 diabetes and gangrene. 1000 marshmallows: I’m not sure, but I can imagine it won’t be good. What I’m trying to say is, my sodium level must be off the charts bad, contributing to adult onset inevitable African-American high blood pressure. I have no idea if non-saturated fat is good or bad, but I have a lot of it coursing through my veins. And I’m going to take the liberty to say my protein level must be so crazy I don’t need to go to the gym tonight.

All in all, I’m getting a D on this health test. And you’re out of your mind if you think I’m not eating gummy bears right now.

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