Tuesday, January 24, 2012

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Girl Puts On Clinic Of How NOT To Blow Out A Candle

Damn this shit is embarrassing. Just taking chunks out of the air in fruitless, almost painful efforts to put out a single candle.

In her defense, blowing out a candle is a pressure-packed moment. Usually there's a cake involved. Obviously everyone's anxious for cake, no one wants spit on the frosting, and as a dude, your entire manhood is on the line. If you fuck up you may come out of the process with no friends and a black-mark on your life resume. As an experienced candle destroyer, I can offer this girl one bit of crucial advice. Blow from an angle. The fire is never ready for it. Coming in head on is just asking to get juked. And fucking take legitimate breaths for crying out loud. Opening your mouth as wide as possible and then shrinking it down makes you look like an anime character and won't accomplish anything.

Shout out to pops here offering the worst encouragement, exploiting his daughter, and making this shit go viral. When I know my kid's a dud, all I'm going to do is video tape him/her all the time and try to turn their shortcomings into cash in my pocket. I'm going to be a fantastic father.

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