Tuesday, January 31, 2012

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Friends Ask Dub: "How Long Do You Hold The Door For People?"



Holding the door is a delicate act. It's probably the most responsible position a person can be in aside from being a police officer or a firefighter. You have COMPLETE control over the nearest person behind you and like a puppet master, determine exactly what their next move is.

To open up my answer, holding the door for the male gender is always a crap shoot. Regardless of how old, disabled, or young they are, I just might not hold it for them. It's primal. Sometimes I just want to logistically be in a better life position than they are. Nothing more nothing less. With girls it's a whole 'nother animal. I always hold the door for old women and little girls, but girls between the age of 18-45 are rolls of the dice. It depends how my day is going, how hot they are, is it raining outside?, and where I think they may be going. If everything syncs up, I will hold the door, but if not I'll give the fake-halfway-held-slip that makes me look like a tried, but didn't try hard enough. It's a beautiful science.

Shout out to the assholes that hold the door for you when you're like 45 feet away. They are either so out of the loop that they actually think they're assisting you or they are pure unadulterated dicks that want to rain misery on your world. Either way it's a power play. Most of the time you see people sprint from wherever they are regardless of how awful it is or how many bags they're carrying, but not me. Not a change in my fucking stride. It's called turning the tables and creates one of the more awkward interactions ever when one person is confronted with the daunting task of saying a condescending, "Thank you" to the holder. That's always a gem.

So friend, the answer lies in: gender, weather, age, attractiveness, and overall mood. Form some sort of quadratic equation out of that and you'll have your answer. You're welcome.