Friday, March 11, 2011

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The Not Top Ten Plays You Can Make In The Office

In my two years being in the workforce I've done just about everything possible that can mess up your day. I'm sure there are tons of mistakes that you can make during your work day, but I've narrowed it down to the top 10:

#1-Getting cords tangled--Word to the bitty up top. It's safe to say she will not be logging onto the internet anytime soon. Or clicking things. Or turning the computer on for that matter. Tough start to the day.

#2-Making a fatal error in outfit selection--Thought that was a blue shirt? Turns out it's purple. Forgot you owned a purple shirt? That's why we should all ask Grandma for a check instead of letting her shop for us on Christmas.

#3-Accidentally stapling your finger--I've been involved in this little snafu more times than I'd like to admit, but it's just a sign of being a warrior. It's basically the office worker equivalent to those calluses you get on your hands from bench pressing. At least that's what I tell myself.

#4-Spilling your coffee on yourself--You get hit by all five senses on this one. Hot coffee obviously burns, that shit's gonna smell, you DIDN'T get to taste it, your clothes are discolored, and you're going to hear people laughing at you for a solid 8 hours.

#5-Fumbling your words--Co-worker: "Good Morning, Dub J"
Dub J-"I'm good, thanks"
Co-worker: "What?"
...yeah, exactly

#6-Farting in the break room--Self-explanatory. Just know that anytime you do it (guys only, because girls don't fart), every woman in your office will all of a sudden need to get a glass of what from the break room. Karma. Just like the club they go to every night on Jersey Shore.

#7-Typing multiple typos when someone is watching you type something--Happened to me today. I'm a regular Mavis Beacon when no one is around. Setting my keyboard on fire and shit. As soon as someone has to watch me type something, I clam up, catch a bit of the stupid, and it's just an embarrassing display.

#8-Accidentally hitting the speakerphone button on the phone--Way more annoying than you think it is, so refrain from hitting that big red button that is graphically displaying a speaker. The sound of the dial tone just makes me want to commit murder-suicide.

#9-Calling someone the wrong name in front of people--You've been at your company for like a year. So has this person. You've even been on the same team for a few projects. Hell, you typed his name on all of your team specific documents. Then all of a sudden "Tom" becomes "Dick" when a few people are enjoying their lunch in the break room. Why'd you call him Dick of all names? Idiot.

#10-Singing in the bathroom when you think you're the only one there, but you're not--Another personal fave. I'm essentially a zombie for 40 hours a week, so I kind of block things out a lot. Namely bathroom etiquette. I belted out at least the first minute and 18 seconds of "Rocketeer" while taking my talents to the toilet. Low and behold after about 5 minutes of just mumbling assorted verses, the toilet a few down from me flushes. Jesus. Christ. Creates one of those lift-p-your-shoes-so-they-can't-identify-you vibe in there.

I think I'm going to do "Not Top Ten's" every Friday.

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