Monday, April 5, 2010

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How I Would Fair On My Favorite Shows If I Randomly Had To Take Over For The Main Character

Every time I watch one of my favorite shows on TV, I wonder how I'd fair if I was put in the role of the main character. Basically, everyone dies.

24: If I was put in place of Jack Bauer, the world as we know it would be over. 24 would have been over well under 2 minutes into the pilot. As soon as bullets were fired there is a budillion % chance that I am either taking multiple shots to vital body parts or I am getting the hell out of there with the quickness to hide in a dumpster or something. Plus they'd expect me to be the master of multiple computer programs that I'd be completely oblivious to; I can barely conceptualize Photoshop, how will I be able to track someone's GPS, be on video-conference with the President, and play Text Twist? There's no way. LA and NYC would be nuclear war zones and FOX would cancel that shit just about immediately.

Scrubs (when it was good): Hmm, a doctor. That shouldn't be too hard. Doctoring is like common sense when you break it down. You get a cut, put a band-aid on it. Someone has a hematoma, give them like the whole bottle of Robutussin. Oh, someone has a compound fracture in their leg? RICE bitches. We all had sprained ankles, raise that thing, ice it, compress it, and elevate it. You'll be back on the court in no time. Or...everyone in the entire hospital will die and I will become homeless from the seemingly endless amounts of malpractice law suits I will have to deal with.

Lost: No double cheeseburgers? No Hawaiian (sneaky hardest word to spell) Punch? Oh, hell no. I'm jumping into the ocean and giving myself to the sharks.

Dexter: In a strange occurrence opposite of the theme, I'd actually struggle to kill people. If I was Dexter, I would be sloppy as balls. No stealth on my part. I'd just straight ring someone's doorbell, try to punch them in the face and hope that knocks them out. There will be no syringes or Henley shirts, just me Google mapping your house, punching you square in the nose and hoping I knock you out. Then instead of killing you, I will put you through some fraternity rush torture techniques like making you eat some gross shit and listening to ONLY the Akon portion of "Sweet Escape" on loop for 14 hours. Then you'll learn your lesson for killing all of those people. Asshole.

Entourage: I couldn't act my way out of a paper bag. Actually I could because paper bags aren't very big. Dumb expression. Either way, if I wasn't acting my ass off, none of those guys would be able to live in that luxury pad. The repo men would take everything. I'd end up on various VH1 shows, finally landing on Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew. From there I will meet a crafty, yet troubled ex-rocker who will put me in contact with the wrong people. Drug addiction, yada yada, I'm dead. Awful, True Hollywood Story later, and it's a wrap.

Heroes: If I had any of those powers, I'd find a way to die. Yes, even if I had the power of immortality. If I could fly, there are airplanes. Time travel, I'd get eaten by a dinosaur. Super strength, I'd find a way to hit myself in the face. No way to not die. If I were immortal, I'd make it to 2012 and just be chillin' in a void where the Earth used to be. So am I technically alive? Too tough of a question to ponder, mainly because no one could ponder it.

So, that about cuts it. I know television is television, but come on. Can I get at least one show where I can possibly succeed? I'd probably fuck up if I played the role of everyone's favorite "normal" guy Jim from "The Office."

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  1. PostScripter said... April 6, 2010 at 10:06 PM

    You gotta put your 'prank face on' if you wanna be Jim from "The Office." He's classic.

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