Wednesday, April 20, 2011

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The Devil Microwave In My Kitchen Is A Little Concerning

So after being idle for like 8 minutes, the microwave in my house decides to aggressively display the devil's 666 occasionally. Not all the time, but just when it feels like it. We've had the microwave since roughly November and no one addressed this. Just, "Oh, the microwave is doing it's Stigmata thing again. Guess I gotta wait to heat up this Lean Cuisine." Not an ounce of urgency. At first I thought it was nothing. Just a number that happened to pop up in succession. 1 and 10 chance, you know? But, why didn't 0-5 or 7-9 appear on the microwave? It's some scary shit if you ask me.

I'm not down to be a "based on" SciFy movie to be made in 2034. "The Exorcism of the Microwave." That'd undoubtedly be the wackest SciFy movie of all time, and that's saying a lot since I just watched "Giant Shark vs. Mega Squid"--which I'd argue, featured way less shark and squid than I thought it would. The main reason I'm concerned about the Damian Microwave is because(as some of you readers know), I want to die a baller death. Microwave death is not baller. Just getting blasted with uncomfortably high heat until I suffer heat stroke. Might as well chill in the Gobi Desert. I need this thing to really put it's all into it. Fireballs, biblical references, a deep echoey voice with a ton of bass--the works.

I'm just trying to heat a Hot Pocket for 1:47 seconds. Any less it's cold as ice and any more it's a wrap for your tongue.

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