Monday, April 25, 2011

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Women Everywhere Are Collectively Losing Their Mind Over The Royal Wedding

(just going out on a limb that this dude's from England...)

The stars aligned, the moon is at a certain distance, and it's collectively "that time of the month" for the entire world's women population. Basically chicks are turning into low-grade werewolves. Ravaging water-cooler conversation with nonsensical royal wedding chatter. Men everywhere just have to chalk up a cool mulligan to their respective partners for whatever is happening. Maybe it's like when the Superbowl is on for us, I don't know, but I know for damn sure the fucking bar is being set on weddings for all of us.

Girls have always had the "I'm a princess" mindset that their dumbass father instilled on them. I have no idea why chicks are so down with the princess mentality to begin with. People just want to capture you and store you in castles. Guarantee Bowser scoops Middleton away as soon as vows are exchanged. Me personally, I'm setting the bar low as hell in the TERRIBLE event that I have a daughter. Have her aspire to be an entry-level financial professional. No one's going to crown you honey. You need to prepare for life on Excel and Dunkin' Donuts runs. No prince coming for you on a white horse. You're 100% meeting that special someone at a bar and you're probably not going to like him that much. Most likely meander into life teetering between happy and unhappy everyday. Hey, it's harsh, but that's me being an effective daddy. Not necessarily good, but effective. I certainly don't plan to raise expectations. Just let her know what's good from day one..literally. Getting that little hellion the most calculators for Christmas and her birthdays.

On the real though, people are waking up at 4am to watch two people that they have zero affiliation with get married. I heard someone at work say that they're waking they're daughter up and going to a friend's house for a "Royal Wedding Party." What the fuck? I barely want to attend my own marriage in 28 years. Shit seems like the worst. Looks like the snowball effect will continue when a bunch of little girls get aggressively woken up by their bat-shit crazy mothers, stuffed into dresses, and forced to watch a couple Brits get married.

Just another crucial life event that Dub Jeezy is going to have to save the world from.

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