Friday, October 28, 2011

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Are There Still People Taking The Time Out Of Their Day To Put Razor Blades In Candy?

^Come on. There's blatantly a razor in that lollipop.

As a little kid I remember sitting in my room getting super hyped about Halloween festivities and Trick-or-Treating. I had my non-stereotypical Red Power Rangers suit on, an ill ass jack-o-lantern candy bucket, and a mother with a camera full of Polaroids. Everything was a go. Then 15 minutes before we left the house, the news came on and explained the "Halloween Epidemic" known as razoring candy.

My mom FREAKED out. Nixed all plans for candy acquisition and popped in a fucking non-Halloween related VHS like nothing happened. Obviously, I cried and prodded her until she made a few phone calls to the mother's coalition and determined what houses didn't have razors in their lollipops. Granted as a 5 year old, my mom had every right to unreasonably snap, but let's think about the logistics here. At the time I wasn't smart enough to explain it in a concise/articulate way, but in my gibberish I was trying to say that the overall idea/logistics of someone injecting a lollipop with a razor blade is borderline impossible. In the .000001% chance that someone at the factory had the wherewithal to hail mary a razor into the vat of corn-syrup and by some stroke of goon magic have it miraculously get inside the lollipop, a lollipop is fucking see-through. It's your fault if your jugular is lacerated.

If you gave me 10 scientists, unlimited Hersheys/Butterfingers/Snickers, and one year of time, I guarantee you that I won't be able to correctly insert a razor blade into any of those candies. It's just too difficult. The consistency of a Butterfinger is literally the most unforgiving thing on a planet, there are too many peanuts for a razor to get comfortable in a Snickers, and Hershey's are far too thin and boring to possibly have a razor in it.

If people are still effing with razors in a time where rat poison is so readily available, then we truly have a problem in the criminal/psychopath sector of our society.

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