Friday, October 7, 2011

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Remember When Whales Traversed 800 Yards On Land And Died In Random Fields?

Doesn't life suck if you're a farmer? You're constantly sweating, pointlessly digging dirt, and getting that weird wife-beater tan for just about zero dollars a week. You got to deal with the locusts, flies, gophers, and rabbits pillaging a year's worth of work. Then you build a terrifying scarecrow that ends up scaring you more than the rabbits because rabbits are 6 inches tall and can't see that disturbing grin you stitched in it's face. You definitely can't sleep on the fact that you live 80 miles from anyone else and your house is the prototypical horror movie/serial killer stomping ground. Just when you think things can't get worse, a fucking whale "appears" in the middle of the pumpkin patch.

I'm not even going to dive into the whole "how'd it get here" routine and look at the facts. This whale is an asshole. Just stick to plankton man. Your job is to open your mouth and absorb food. The easiest means to eating food in the world. But nope, you had to get creative and literally search for greener pastures. You marched your fat ass onto the beach, hitchhiked your way to a field, overestimated your ability to breathe human air, and died. Don't feel sorry for you one bit.

Once I found out the Free Willy whale was a vicious killing machine orca, I just typecasted all whales as dicks.

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