Monday, June 14, 2010

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Dr. Bob...The Multiple-Malpractice Equivalent Of Dr. Pepper

^Dr. Bob---incapable of even destroying a computer

If no one can see the slogan on Dr. Bob, it says "Open Wide, Say Ahhhhhh!" Just wildly inappropriate and at best you're imitating Trey Songz. When your best case scenario is Trey Songz, shit is simply falling apart everywhere around you.

Myself and Mack were discussing the wackness of Dr. Bob and it's comparison to the much more acclaimed and respected Dr. Pepper and had to break it down to the type of doctors they would be in real life. It starts with price comparison versus lifestyle choices. Your standard bottle of Dr. Bob runs you about $0.79 on a bad day. It's a couch soda, meaning you can buy it with the money most assuredly tucked away in your grimy couch. On a good sale day, you may see Dr. Pepper available for $1.00 at best. A true luxury.

Anyways, real-life Dr. Bob's got to be the most shaky handed alcoholic doctor in the game. Dude went to like 3 med schools, snuck out with a C-, worked in Puerto Rico for a few sketchy years and now has that practice located in that dark alley with an unmarked door. Not quite Kevorkian level evil and diabolical, but just a straight up bad doctor. Has a pretty good lawyer though, so he's allowed to keep practicing (aka allowed to still be sold in stores) and "mistakenly" injuring people (aka people passing out in their own throw up).

Then we have the clean shaven, handsome (pretty much composed of 23 different nationalities), and successful Dr. Pepper. Basically an ugly version of Dub Jeezy. He comes in, with not one but 3 medical degrees from Harvard, Yale, and Arizona State. Yeah, Arizona State didn't have a med school, but he got with a fair amount of dimes. Following that, he skipped the intern process, immediately got a practice of his own after proving Al Davis has in fact been dead for 17 years, and leads a fulfilling life with a ton of friends and notoriety.

So, it says a lot that I am calling Mack out for splurging on Dr. Bob. So what I'm trying to say is, email with your credit card number/social security number/the virtual deed to your house/and like 6 emoticons, and we'll be straight.