My Pockets Are Confused

So two weeks ago, I ordered the iPhone 4S. Figured it was time I step it up from my flip phone game and join the masses. Nothing like good ol’ conformity. I had it delivered to my parents’ house back in Philly, so I couldn’t get it until this past Friday. Also, about three weeks ago, I ordered a new wallet that I also had sent to parents’ house.

Now, it may seem like I’m just here to gloat about my new purchases, dropping bills left and right, but these were two upgrades that needed to be made. I pushed them off as long as I could. My flip phone’s space key only worked 50% of the time, dropped about half it’s calls, and died after an 8 hour work day. And my wallet, I had to tape it up because my credit cards would routinely fall through the rip in the bottom of it. It was time.

But the fact that these two upgrades happened on the very same day left my pockets completely unprepared. My phone went from a Squirtle to a Blastoise without even so much as a hint of a Wartortle. One day I’m using Bubblebeam against Brock in the Rock Gym, NBD. Next day I’m busting out Hydropumps left and right. It was unprecedented.

My left pocket (where I carry my phone) was just sitting at a lowly $6 value before. It was chilling like a college intern, browsing YouTube all day and collecting modest paychecks. Then graduation hit and it somehow landed a real job. Now the pressure’s on. The lazy days are over. One little slip up and that pocket is out on the street, hoping to find some keys, maybe tissues, or even some measly hard candy to house. Anything not to be out of a job.

And my right pocket (I carry my wallet in my front pocket. A questionable move depending on who you talk to, but I recommend it. It balances out phone weight in the other front pocket, prevents back problems, and leaves you less vulnerable to attacks from behind.) has to make the under appreciated switch from trifold wallet to bifold. This is no easy task, mind you. It’s like a right tackle switching from protecting a right-handed quarterback to a lefty. Winston Justice switching from protecting Kevin Kolb to Michael Vick, if you will (Gratuitous Philly sports reference. Couldn't resist). This move may fly under the radar, but if that pocket slips up, your quarterback may end up with concussions, cracked ribs, all sorts of stuff. Er, your wallet, that is. So your wallet…is your quarterback? And if your quarterback gets sacked…that means…you lost your wallet? Now I’m confusing myself.

In summation, I’m carrying around Winston Justice in my right pocket and a gainfully employed Blastoise in my left. And I’m confused as shit about it.

Hydropump going off in your pocket: not a good look.