Thursday, November 10, 2011

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I'm Pretty Sure Every Butterfinger And Nature Valley Bar Is Broken Before I Open It

For some reason, my morning diet this past week has consisted entirely of Butterfingers and Nature Valley Bars. I don't really know why, but for some reason I've accumulated a lot of these recently. What I do know is that every time I open one it's a fucking catastrophe. Crumbs everywhere, no semblance of structure, and the purest feeling of lost hope imaginable. Can someone explain to me what's up?

I've been in the Butterfinger game longer than I can remember. Crushin' those shits well before I can form sentences. And with that experience comes the knowledge that literally every single (excluding fun size) is a disaster before it's even opened. You never expect it either because your excitement to get that shit stuck in your teeth usually trumps logic. Then it happens. You lost half of it without even trying. I'd say 50% of crying in my youth can be traced back to Butterfinger mishaps. It's like the factory worker slammed them against a table for 30 seconds before putting them into the box for shipment. A prerequisite for working at the Butterfinger factories must be, "recently find out your significant other is cheating on you" because those motherfuckers are mad.

Nature Valley bars are a whole new world. They just seemed pompous as fuck to me and I honestly can't explain why. I asked my Mom to get me like 10 24-packs before Freshman year because I wanted people to respect me, but that shit backfired so quick. My dorm room floor looked like a disgusting beach. Infinite crumbs that looked like sand, random underwear, and like 13 hypodermic needles. All because each time I opened one of those things up, a cloud of crumb dust would form and when things settled I'd be left with like a centimeter of Apple Crisp to my name. True story, I invited a girl to my room to "watch a movie" and she asked if she could have a Nature Valley bar. Foolishly, she opened it up on my bed and it was like a slow-motion explanation of the fact that my goal of hooking up with this goal was a failure. Awful, awful stuff.

Weird how even with those lengthy, borderline pointless stories I still eat both of them on the reg and STILL encounter literally the same problems I encountered years ago. Seriously though, does anyone else have this problem or am I just an idiot?

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