Tuesday, November 1, 2011

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People Don't Care About Halloween Anymore

So here I am, taking off the Urkel suspenders and thick rimmed glasses one last time and I couldn't be more fucking disappointed. Sure, maybe Friday, October 28th is a little early to get after it in the Halloween celebrating process, but don't you dare tell me it's inappropriate to wear my costume through the street on Halloween night.

At 7:30pm my buddy and I were the ONLY people in the streets dressed in costumes. Urkel and a giant penguin looking like absolute dickheads walking around getting stares, causing scenes, and being neighborhood disturbances. I had to check my phone like 78 times to make sure the aurora borealis didn't flip daylight savings time or some shit. I remember back in my day we were in costumes for like 6 days straight. Chillin' in class. Getting lunch. Walking of shaming. All sorts of fun and interesting things were done in Halloween costumes. Now that I'm 24, I guess it's frowned upon to hike your pants up a foot too high and have comically broken glasses on Halloween night. Little kids weren't even dressed up. Acquiring Butterfingers and Hershey Kisses with hoodies and Nikes on some Bush League garbage. Did standards drop? I had to not only be in costume to be eligible to receive candy, I had to be in an awesome costume. A rinky-dink zombie get-up didn't cut it back in '93. I'm absolutely furious.

On a completely different note. There's 95% chance I'm sterile after wearing the Steve Urkel costume for 3 days straight. Just an unnatural amount of suspender induced pressure on the nether regions.

"What do the results say, Doc?"

"Your balls have been riddled useless by what appears to be jean indentations caused by...suspenders"


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