Friday, November 4, 2011

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Let's Talk "Winter" Vests

Has there ever been a more mind-boggling fashion item than the winter vest? A pure glorification of unfinished work.

Seriously, I wish I got 100% credit for doing 75% of the work. Like, "Umm, here are reports A, B, and C. Sorry, I just didn't have it in me to finish D." Let's not sugarcoat it. A vest is a jacket some dude got tired of making. Except he was smart enough to spin his words to make it seem like he intended to fuck up. The dude that INVENTED the vest deserves infinite credit, but everything vest-related thereafter is absolutely absurd and despicable.

Aside from the fall of 1999 when I was blinded by the savvy advertising of Old Navy and their Performance Fleeces, I have despised vests. Can't get into any sort of rhythm with a vest on. You're either uncomfortably hot or slightly cold and left wondering what life would be like if you had sleeves. What temperature are they appropriate in? No one knows because you're somehow both hot and cold at the same time whenever you wear one. I distinctly remember being on the school bus with my..ahem..Performance Fleece on, sweating with my teeth chattering at the same time. As if my temperature regulation had no clue what to do. I basically almost died.

Plus you look like an ultra herb with a vest on. Like you're trying to be ironic/prove a point/a hipster out there. If you're cold, wear a coat, if you're not, don't wear one. Don't play God.

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